Cobra
This came highly recommended by my friends Emily & Jesse. All they could say between laughing fits was that every line of dialogue in Cobra is the most overwrought cliche you could possibly think of. How have I neglected this movie for so long?! Because that sounds great.
When I think of the great auteurs who write, direct, and act in their own films I immediately think of illustrious names like Orson Welles, Woody Allen, John Cassavetes, Beat Takeshi Kitano, Jean-Luc Godard, and...Sylvester Stallone*
And what's funny is that this is a Cannon Films production. The same Cannon Films that produced Godard's King Lear! What?
We open with Stallone quoting rampant American crime statistics while a barrel of a gun is turning towards the audience and lets a bullet fly. COBRA. Cut to a motorcycle riding in silhouette against a blood red sunset. Visual Poetry.
We then see a ritual held by a cult of murderers who like to clink axes together in dimly lit LA drainage reservoirs. Obviously they must be part of a persecuted religion. Look closely and you can see that the cult members come from all walks of life! One is wearing a business suit, another in a construction worker's outfit. They're like The Village People of murder cults. Oh yes, and they wear panty hose on their heads, just because.
So when a psychopath starts opening fire on a grocery store, the only thing the regular (read: pussy) cops can do is "call the Cobra" who swoops in whipping a shitty in his souped up 1950 Mercury, aptly named "AWSOM50" on the vanity plate. Cobra goes in ready to lay it down. After the psycho tries to shoot him to no avail, Cobra gets on the PA and tells the psycho, "Hey dirt bag. You're a lousy shot. I don't like lousy shots."
When the psycho tells him he'll blow the place up with a bomb, all Cobra has for him is "Go ahead, I don't shop here." Fuck yeah he don't! You fucking tell him Cobra!
Cobra's nemesis and head of the cult is known as The Night Slasher who has terrorized the city and killed 16 people. Oops, make that 17 as we see cut to a scene of them killing a waitress. And you know who's the only cop in the city who has figured out that there's more than one killer? Fucking Cobra, that's who. But sadly the other cops don't want to listen because they're pussies who play by the book. And don't look good in mirrored sunglasses or black leather gloves.
Next, Brigitte Nielsen shows up as Ingrid, a fashion model and Sledge Hammer (David Rasche, fuck yes!) as the photographer taking her photo. And what a photo session this is. Brigitte in various costumes posing with a bunch of robots on an all white set. You can almost taste the coke running down the back of your throat watching this. And as Sledge Hammer is walking Brigitte to her car (trying to get her to sleep with him the whole, natch) they get attacked by the murder cult. Oh. Shit.
She barely gets away which brings her to the attention of Cobra and his pal Sgt. Gonzales. That night The Slasher tries to kill Brigitte at the hospital. Luckily, she escapes but only after being caught in an homage to the "Here's Johnny" Scene from The Shining but not as cool. Meanwhile, an axe clinking flunky tries to disturb Cobra at his swank ocean-front high-rise bachelor pad where he's having a quiet night in, cleaning his gun and eating cold pizza with his leather gloves still on. He tries to sneak in from the patio but Cobra's too smart for that shit and throws dude over the side to his death. Cobra's so bad ass he doesn't even need to make a witty remark this time.
The next day, Cobra gets chewed out by the smarmy Detective Monte at the station. He's gonna be stuck on The Zombie Squad forever if he keeps this up. Cobra suspects that the killers have an inside man with the police. And by god, you know what? He's right. When he picks up Ingrid from the hospital, the killers are following and ambush Cobra and Ingrid.
And we're lucky they do because now Cobra gets to show off his bad ass car. When those scumbags pump a few bullets into the Merc, Cobretti whips a shitty, pops it in reverse and shoots his uzi out the window. Because the usual laws of physics and car maintenance do not apply to Marion Cobretti. Then Cobra flips a secret switch on the dashboard that says "Nitrous". Which made think twice. Maybe it's not a nitro-injection system and Cobra just likes to do whip-its in the privacy of his AWSOM50? It would at least make him laugh every once and a while. Finally Cobra crashes into a docked boat and totals the Mercury. It's not Cobra's best day. Maybe he should have had a tank of nitrous oxide on hand for when shit like this happens...
Cobra gets chewed out again by Det. Monte who says he's using Ingrid as bait and putting the whole city at risk. So instead of hanging out in L.A. waiting to be attacked, Cobra and Ingrid decide to take a nice trip down the Pacific Coast Highway with his pal Sgt. Gonzales and lady cop Officer Stalk so they can get attacked in another town.
Cobra and Ingrid stop at a dinner and have a nice heart to heart.
Ingrid: What do you do to relax?
Cobra: Look for trouble.
Ingrid: Do you ever get involved?
Cobra: With a woman?
Ingrid: Yeah, a woman.
Cobra: A real woman?
Ha ha! I can only imagine Cobretti making out with a Real Doll, getting pizza grease and gun oil all over it. That would be awesome.
Enough of that tangent. The main thing at the dinner is that Cobra notices Officer Stalk on the payphone the whole time...why this is played for drama I have no idea. There was already a scene 40 minutes ago implicitly showing that she's part of The Night Slasher cult. All we need is a reaction shot of her at a hardware store looking at axes and doing her best to control the urge to clink them together.
Cut to nighttime at the roadside motel they're staying at and wouldn't you know it, she's on the payphone again. She must have a lot of loose change on her person. Maybe the sound of clinking quarters is a good substitute for clinking axes. You never know. Cobretti is holed up in his room with Ingrid, unpacking his stash guns and ammo. Because Stalk has given them away and the cults a'coming to get them. And they're all riding up on motorcycles because this is 1986 and gas was like fifty cents per gallon then. But not before Cobra and Ingrid get to do it in their motel room. Luckily for her he's not wearing his leather gloves. Or suggests a three-some with his Real Doll. Because that would be weird.
The next morning, it's showtime as the cult shows up at the motel! Cobra opens fire, hitting every dude on the first shot. Cobra has obviously played a lot Hogan's Alley. Cobra and Ingrid make a run for it in a pick-up truck; Ingrid driving, Cobretti mowing down motherfuckers from the back. When they plow through some burning cars in the road, Cobra gets thrown from the back and lands in a perfect rolling crouch. Because he was a varsity gymnast in high school where he felt emasculated by the name Marion Cobretti.
They run into an orange grove where Cobra keeps on mowing down a never ending supply of cult members. Ingrid runs to a factory which must be conveniently located on the orange grove. Maybe it's a Minute Maid juice factory? That has a lot of open flames burning. Because Cobra dumps a barrel of fuel on to one of the thugs. As he strikes a match, he mumbles "You have the right to remain silent," before he drops it on the poor bastard, engulfing him in flames.
Regardless, now The Night Slasher is on the scene and he's on the hunt. Cobra gets Stalk in his sights and shoots the old bull dagger. Now it's time for The Night Slasher to be the hunted. When The Slasher proclaims "You can't stop us! We are the future!" that's the perfect moment for Cobra to set his laser sight on him and say, "No, you're history."
The Slasher calls Cobra a pig and tells him he has to take him in, he has rights, the courts will set him free because he's insane. But you know damn well that ain't gonna happen. Cobretti has just killed 50 other people who didn't even stop to have a dramatic conversation with him. Oh no...Cobra lets him know, "This is where the law stops. And I start."
But god damn it all to hell, old Bull Dagger Stalk drops out of nowhere and jumps Cobra. Too bad Night Slasher has bad aim because he shoots and hits her. Well, that was a waste of a good surprise attack. Cobretti and Slasher fight it out until Cobretti impales Slasher on a conveniently dangling crane hook that drops him in a fire.
Det. Monte shows up and tells Cobretti he sure made a mess but he got the job done. No hard feelings? Fuck no. Cobretti goes to shake his hand and punches the shit out of him. Looks like he'll be working on the Zombie Squad permanently. Cobra and Ingrid get on a LAPD motorcycle and drive off into the sunset to the strains of John Cafferty & The Beaver Brown Band playing his theme song, "The Voice of America's Sons".
I'm not making that up.
So, not too bad of an attempt to write while viewing/stopping and pausing.
*To be fair he doesn't direct Cobra but he did write the screenplay and star in it. Sly has directed a few of his own films and let's face it...in the 80's the star of an action movie had tons of input into the direction, especially if that star wrote the screenplay and got his hot Swedish model girlfriend to co-star in it, even if she has no discernible acting skills.
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