Cobra or Film is the Disease, Cobra is the Cure

Cobra

This came highly recommended by my friends Emily & Jesse. All they could say between laughing fits was that every line of dialogue in Cobra is the most overwrought cliche you could possibly think of. How have I neglected this movie for so long?! Because that sounds great.

When I think of the great auteurs who write, direct, and act in their own films I immediately think of illustrious names like Orson Welles, Woody Allen, John Cassavetes, Beat Takeshi Kitano, Jean-Luc Godard, and...Sylvester Stallone*

And what's funny is that this is a Cannon Films production. The same Cannon Films that produced Godard's King Lear! What?

We open with Stallone quoting rampant American crime statistics while a barrel of a gun is turning towards the audience and lets a bullet fly. COBRA. Cut to a motorcycle riding in silhouette against a blood red sunset. Visual Poetry.

We then see a ritual held by a cult of murderers who like to clink axes together in dimly lit LA drainage reservoirs. Obviously they must be part of a persecuted religion. Look closely and you can see that the cult members come from all walks of life! One is wearing a business suit, another in a construction worker's outfit. They're like The Village People of murder cults. Oh yes, and they wear panty hose on their heads, just because.

So when a psychopath starts opening fire on a grocery store, the only thing the regular (read: pussy) cops can do is "call the Cobra" who swoops in whipping a shitty in his souped up 1950 Mercury, aptly named "AWSOM50" on the vanity plate. Cobra goes in ready to lay it down. After the psycho tries to shoot him to no avail, Cobra gets on the PA and tells the psycho, "Hey dirt bag. You're a lousy shot. I don't like lousy shots."

When the psycho tells him he'll blow the place up with a bomb, all Cobra has for him is "Go ahead, I don't shop here." Fuck yeah he don't! You fucking tell him Cobra!

Cobra's nemesis and head of the cult is known as The Night Slasher who has terrorized the city and killed 16 people. Oops, make that 17 as we see cut to a scene of them killing a waitress. And you know who's the only cop in the city who has figured out that there's more than one killer? Fucking Cobra, that's who. But sadly the other cops don't want to listen because they're pussies who play by the book. And don't look good in mirrored sunglasses or black leather gloves.

Next, Brigitte Nielsen shows up as Ingrid, a fashion model and Sledge Hammer (David Rasche, fuck yes!) as the photographer taking her photo. And what a photo session this is. Brigitte in various costumes posing with a bunch of robots on an all white set. You can almost taste the coke running down the back of your throat watching this. And as Sledge Hammer is walking Brigitte to her car (trying to get her to sleep with him the whole, natch) they get attacked by the murder cult. Oh. Shit.

She barely gets away which brings her to the attention of Cobra and his pal Sgt. Gonzales. That night The Slasher tries to kill Brigitte at the hospital. Luckily, she escapes but only after being caught in an homage to the "Here's Johnny" Scene from The Shining but not as cool. Meanwhile, an axe clinking flunky tries to disturb Cobra at his swank ocean-front high-rise bachelor pad where he's having a quiet night in, cleaning his gun and eating cold pizza with his leather gloves still on. He tries to sneak in from the patio but Cobra's too smart for that shit and throws dude over the side to his death. Cobra's so bad ass he doesn't even need to make a witty remark this time.

The next day, Cobra gets chewed out by the smarmy Detective Monte at the station. He's gonna be stuck on The Zombie Squad forever if he keeps this up. Cobra suspects that the killers have an inside man with the police. And by god, you know what? He's right. When he picks up Ingrid from the hospital, the killers are following and ambush Cobra and Ingrid.

And we're lucky they do because now Cobra gets to show off his bad ass car. When those scumbags pump a few bullets into the Merc, Cobretti whips a shitty, pops it in reverse and shoots his uzi out the window. Because the usual laws of physics and car maintenance do not apply to Marion Cobretti. Then Cobra flips a secret switch on the dashboard that says "Nitrous". Which made think twice. Maybe it's not a nitro-injection system and Cobra just likes to do whip-its in the privacy of his AWSOM50? It would at least make him laugh every once and a while. Finally Cobra crashes into a docked boat and totals the Mercury. It's not Cobra's best day. Maybe he should have had a tank of nitrous oxide on hand for when shit like this happens...

Cobra gets chewed out again by Det. Monte who says he's using Ingrid as bait and putting the whole city at risk. So instead of hanging out in L.A. waiting to be attacked, Cobra and Ingrid decide to take a nice trip down the Pacific Coast Highway with his pal Sgt. Gonzales and lady cop Officer Stalk so they can get attacked in another town.

Cobra and Ingrid stop at a dinner and have a nice heart to heart.
Ingrid: What do you do to relax?
Cobra: Look for trouble.
Ingrid: Do you ever get involved?
Cobra: With a woman?
Ingrid: Yeah, a woman.
Cobra: A real woman?

Ha ha! I can only imagine Cobretti making out with a Real Doll, getting pizza grease and gun oil all over it. That would be awesome.

Enough of that tangent. The main thing at the dinner is that Cobra notices Officer Stalk on the payphone the whole time...why this is played for drama I have no idea. There was already a scene 40 minutes ago implicitly showing that she's part of The Night Slasher cult. All we need is a reaction shot of her at a hardware store looking at axes and doing her best to control the urge to clink them together.

Cut to nighttime at the roadside motel they're staying at and wouldn't you know it, she's on the payphone again. She must have a lot of loose change on her person. Maybe the sound of clinking quarters is a good substitute for clinking axes. You never know. Cobretti is holed up in his room with Ingrid, unpacking his stash guns and ammo. Because Stalk has given them away and the cults a'coming to get them. And they're all riding up on motorcycles because this is 1986 and gas was like fifty cents per gallon then. But not before Cobra and Ingrid get to do it in their motel room. Luckily for her he's not wearing his leather gloves. Or suggests a three-some with his Real Doll. Because that would be weird.

The next morning, it's showtime as the cult shows up at the motel! Cobra opens fire, hitting every dude on the first shot. Cobra has obviously played a lot Hogan's Alley. Cobra and Ingrid make a run for it in a pick-up truck; Ingrid driving, Cobretti mowing down motherfuckers from the back. When they plow through some burning cars in the road, Cobra gets thrown from the back and lands in a perfect rolling crouch. Because he was a varsity gymnast in high school where he felt emasculated by the name Marion Cobretti.

They run into an orange grove where Cobra keeps on mowing down a never ending supply of cult members. Ingrid runs to a factory which must be conveniently located on the orange grove. Maybe it's a Minute Maid juice factory? That has a lot of open flames burning. Because Cobra dumps a barrel of fuel on to one of the thugs. As he strikes a match, he mumbles "You have the right to remain silent," before he drops it on the poor bastard, engulfing him in flames.

Regardless, now The Night Slasher is on the scene and he's on the hunt. Cobra gets Stalk in his sights and shoots the old bull dagger. Now it's time for The Night Slasher to be the hunted. When The Slasher proclaims "You can't stop us! We are the future!" that's the perfect moment for Cobra to set his laser sight on him and say, "No, you're history."

The Slasher calls Cobra a pig and tells him he has to take him in, he has rights, the courts will set him free because he's insane. But you know damn well that ain't gonna happen. Cobretti has just killed 50 other people who didn't even stop to have a dramatic conversation with him. Oh no...Cobra lets him know, "This is where the law stops. And I start."

But god damn it all to hell, old Bull Dagger Stalk drops out of nowhere and jumps Cobra. Too bad Night Slasher has bad aim because he shoots and hits her. Well, that was a waste of a good surprise attack. Cobretti and Slasher fight it out until Cobretti impales Slasher on a conveniently dangling crane hook that drops him in a fire.

Det. Monte shows up and tells Cobretti he sure made a mess but he got the job done. No hard feelings? Fuck no. Cobretti goes to shake his hand and punches the shit out of him. Looks like he'll be working on the Zombie Squad permanently. Cobra and Ingrid get on a LAPD motorcycle and drive off into the sunset to the strains of John Cafferty & The Beaver Brown Band playing his theme song, "The Voice of America's Sons".

I'm not making that up.

So, not too bad of an attempt to write while viewing/stopping and pausing.










*To be fair he doesn't direct Cobra but he did write the screenplay and star in it. Sly has directed a few of his own films and let's face it...in the 80's the star of an action movie had tons of input into the direction, especially if that star wrote the screenplay and got his hot Swedish model girlfriend to co-star in it, even if she has no discernible acting skills.

Capsule Reviews

Alright, so after writing quite a lot about Nicholas Ray's In A Lonely Place, I thought I should get back down to business and really kick out the jams. Because if I keep going at this pace I will never get done. And Jean is out of town for work this week, so I really need to keep some space available on the DVR for it to record her stuff.

I'm going to run with a theme here of "Things That Are So..." since all of these movies really exemplified the era in which they were made. You'll see what I mean. So let's see what I've seen...

The Mouse That Roared
Things That Are So 1960's (technically 1959). I had high hopes for this since it stars Peter Sellers, Jean Seberg, and William Hartnell. Basically you can play Six Degrees of Kubrick, French New Wave, or Doctor Who and this film is your ace in the hole.

Sadly, most comedies do not age well. I happened upon Wayne's World the other day on TV and it made me want to kill myself for ever thinking it was funny. So nevermind that 10-star review in the imdb link I included. The Mouse That Roared was a chore.

Peter Sellers stars as the queen, prime minister, and head of the army of the tiny European nation of Grand Fenwick that finds itself going bankrupt. They realize that if they declare war on the USA and lose, they'll be wealthy because the US always gives tons of foreign aid to countries they defeat. Jolly good.

Peter Sellers' bumbling character Tully leads the small army with the help of Will Buckley (William Hartnell, the first and best Doctor Who) and they'll need it since the Grand Fenwick army still dresses in chain mail and their primary weapon is the bow & arrow.

They set off for the shores of the US and land on the day that New York City is under lock down over testing of the new earth shattering weapon, The Q Bomb, invented by Dr. Kokintz, who is assisted by his lovely daughter Helen (Jean Seberg). Oh yes, and these two are the only people guarding it on the day of its supposed testing. Which is happening in a nondescript office building in Manhattan. Or something. Scrutinizing the details will just drive you mad.

Hilarity ensues and the underdog Grand Fenwick army gets its hands on the Q Bomb and brings it back home to become a nuclear power that stands up for all the small nations of the world. I get the satire of it but the execution leaves something to be desired.

Jean Seberg is given the thankless cliche role of love-interest and she does her best with it. William Hartnell gets to be gruff and stern. Peter Sellers does his Peter Sellers thing of playing multiple roles. The queen is out of touch with common people. The Prime Minister is actually the funniest role but he's somewhat under used. I can see where Stephen Fry got his inspiration for playing Melchit in Black Adder from. And Tully is a sad sack but not very funny and of course is in 90% of the film.

Interesting enough concept but good lord the pacing is terrible. Basically an hour and a half long episode of The Beverly Hillbillies "Robin Hood" story. Which makes sense as the director, Jack Arnold, was a regular TV hack and it shows.

Mother, Jugs, and Speed
File under: Things that are so 70's.

We can accurately carbon date Mother, Jugs, and Speed to 1977 by the soundtrack alone. We get some Frampton, Brothers Johnson, Cat Stevens, a sappy Michelle Phillips ballad and a full on coked out disco theme song. One glance at the locations and we know we're in the thick of 1977 Los Angeles.

The film follows the misadventures of a crew of EMTs who work for an independent ambulance company trying to make ends meet. This movie must have made a big impression on Quentin Tarantino. You've got Harvey Keitel, you've got razor sharp dialogue, sporadic violence, great character details, and the cinematography has that same golden sunny California look of Reservoir Dogs or Pulp Fiction.

All directed by Peter Yates! The director of films like Bullitt and The Friends of Eddie Coyle. So this is a great comedy turn from Yates who balances it all with his skills for drama and action. The script is great if not a little heavy handed in dealing with some of the big issues of the time, mainly the differences and similarities between racism and sexism. There's a great cross section of 70's L.A. seediness on display as we follow the EMT's from call to call. Did Martin Scorsese not see this film? Mother, Jugs, and Speed is much better than Bringing Out the Dead and features no Natalie Merchant songs.

Bill Cosby of the 70's was so much cooler than Bill Cosby of today. As Mother, he's the smartest guy in the room and not afraid to speak his mind. He's got a take no shit attitude and perfect one liner for any situation. Raquel Welch plays Jugs, the long-time dispatch operator who wants to be an EMT and deals with the requisite sexism thrown her way. Harvey Keitel plays it cool as Speed, an ex-cop EMT who was thrown off the force for allegedly (more like definitely) selling coke who hooks up with Jugs. All to the chagrin of the smarmy and lecherous Murdoch played by Larry Hagman in fine form.

A great surprise. Sadly the same can't be said for...

The Adventure of Sherlock Holmes Smarter Brother
I really wanted to like this. I grew up on The Producers, Blazing Saddles, and Young Frankenstien. So when I saw the cast listing of Gene Wilder, Marty Feldman, and Madeline Kahn I had high hopes. Sadly this film doesn't deliver. Gene Wilder is in Freak-Out Screaming Mode but he's never overreacting to anything significant. He's just screaming a lot. The point of Frederick Frankenstein's blow outs were that he was screaming out of frustration at the other characters and for his reputation as a Frankenstein. Being a Holmes just doesn't have that kind of stigma.

Really this film seems to have been made so Gene Wilder and Madeline Kahn could do some song & dance numbers together. There are some clever gags but it pales in comparison to Young Frankenstein. If anything this film shows that Young Frankenstein was the perfect synthesis of Mel Brooks and Gene Wilder talents. Without each other they never made as subtle or intelligent of a film.

A Night In Heaven
Things That Are So 1983.

1. Christopher Atkins post-The Blue Lagoon is in it. He's a male stripper. We get a glimpse of his wang during the Hard R sex scene with Lesley Ann Warren.
2. Deney Terrio
3. Music by Jan Hammer, Bryan Adams, and Human League.
4. Short shorts as far as the eye can see.
5. The Dawn of the Recumbent Bicycle
6. John G. Avildsen directs!

They don't make high concept Hard R melodramas like this anymore. Lesley Ann Warren stars as Faye Hanlon, a community college instructor who begins to have an affair with one of her students, a hot young male stripper played by Christopher Atkins. Her marriage is on the rocks after her husband, a rocket scientist, is fired for refusing to design missiles. He now spends his time inventing the recumbent bike. And staring off into the middle distance while sitting around their wood paneled kitchen. Instead of making time for his incredibly hot wife (bare with me as I am biased here. Warren played Miss Scarlet in the film Clue, and a key figure on my journey through puberty in the 80's).

So Faye joins her sister Patsy (played by Deborah Rush, Mrs. Blank from Strangers With Candy!) one night for a trip to the local male strip club. Because every town has one evidently. Then again this film does take place in Florida.

Oh man, this strip club is off the chain. Not only is packed with ladies and all the strippers are hot, but they have an emcee who narrates EVERY SINGLE THING of what's going on on the dance floor in vivid detail. Basically this is where Patton Oswalt got the emcee character he did in Starsky & Hutch. Spin that with the incredibly gay stage banter of Paul Stanley and you have have it. Your time is worth it to watch this movie just for the strip club scene.

After watching a few hunks do their thing Faye and Patsy and the girls are treated to an elaborate strip routine done by Ricky the Rocket who is dressed up in a Star Wars-esque space pilot outfit. And when he takes his space helmet off, it's none other than Ricky, Faye's student who she's flunking! Obvioulsy this means that he needs to come up and dance for her until they share a kiss to the strains of The Human League's "Obsession".

Soon Faye is joining her sister and crew on frequent trips to the strip clubs and begins an affair with Ricky. Finally Faye's husband stops obsessing over his recumbent bicycle and finds out that she's having an affair which all of a sudden makes him want his wife. The husband kidnaps Ricky and brings him out to the middle of a lake and makes him strip naked while he holds a gun on him. After a lot of yelling and screaming he leaves Ricky alone, stranded on the boat.

And that's about it. On the way we have several sex scenes that go on way too long, a trip to a video game manufacturing plant, an incredibly long tracking shot outside a space shuttle plant, and Deney Terrio as Ricky the Rockets buddy.

Wow.

Finally we have...

Harley Davidson and The Marlboro Man
Things That Are So 1991.

1. Mickey Rourke and Don Johnson star.
2. Tom Sizemore plays the bad guy.
3. Daniel Baldwin and some guys play relentless killers who wear kevlar trenchcoats and walk in unison.
4. Tia Carrere is Sizemore's henchwoman and has zero lines of dialogue.
5. As does Vanessa Williams although she gets to play a singer who has a romantic history with Mickey Rourke. Yeah. That's what I said. Oh yes, but now she's married to Big John Studd of WWF fame.
6. Lots of scenes set in an old airplane junkyard.
7. Mickey Rourke's leather biker jacket has a tribute to Stevie Ray Vaughn sewn into it. Now that's Talking 'Bout Africa!

If you ever wondered what a movie made by Howard Chaykin would be like, this is it. Nearly every line of dialogue is a macho cliche. There must have been tons of coke on-set.

I know The Adventures of Hudson Hawk or The Last Action Hero get called out for being the apex of stupidity in Big Action Movies but we have some competition here. So bad it's great!